Three Years. This Life.

Hey.

I'll start off with the grim stuff first, because in a lot of ways, year three has been phenomenal (stick with me, there'll be joy and nonsense, I promise).

But the problem is this: the accomplishments, the things I make, the work I do, it's like white noise to me. Doesn't stick. I live with chronic mental illness and for five years now, I haven't done therapy or taken meds.
It leaves me feeling this weird combination of rampant anxiety and blunted depression.

Like my apartment's on fire, and I'm trying to get out, but I'm chained to a dead body.

I panic about death probably fifty times a day, and I'm forever convinced that I haven't done enough, haven't been successful enough. I need to keep working because I'm going to die. I'm going to die.  I am absolutely going to die. Dying without making a mark on this world would be a terrible waste, so says the air raid siren in my brain.

This life has to stop.

I hate it so much.

It's getting harder for me to control it. The lows feel more severe these past six months.

So, I'm taking action. I plan to start seeing a therapist this month. Actively use the therapy to grow, instead of my prior obstinate habits with therapy.  Explore meds if that seems like a viable option.

And I'm hoping that this big step makes the other issues in my life (low self-esteem, body issues, weight, etc) feel less insurmountable and I can finally garner some real change.

Ok. I've said my peace. Let's look at what I've done this year, what I've learned, and goals for year four:

WHAT I'VE DONE

Produced and Performed GHOST ON A STICK  -  Half the year was spent working on this project, and I am overwhelmed by the kind people who helped me make it a reality. It won an award, and I'd love to do an Off-Broadway run of it one day.


Wrote seven new songs - love songs, gifts for donors for GHOST ON A STICK, hobo songs.


Booked a new long term Off-Broadway show - PIGGY NATION: THE MUSICAL is a fervent joy. Probably the silliest thing I do all week. 


Co-Produced, wrote, and acted in a webseries pilot - It's called THE BODY HUNT, and we're looking for potential investors to make a full season.


AND


(this is a bit of a surprise)
(I'm serious)


As of noon, eastern standard time, Friday, January 31st 2014, I am now a member of SAG/AFTRA.

Wanted this for fifteen years. And now, it's a reality. In the eyes of the acting world, I am now seen as a professional.


WHAT I'VE LEARNED

This year was a deep, fanatical current of faith in my creative abilities. So many individuals helped me get these things above. Anything good I've done is through the efforts of a community of wonderful people.

 The modern world is a prison of self, and any efforts made to breach this solotrophism does me a powerful kindness.  I'm taking more steps to help others prosper, to volunteer in this community that's been a blessing to me.


Water does indeed pour out in a miasma of evil like the hotel elevator in THE SHINING when an upstairs neighbor's pipe bursts and destroys your entire bathroom ceiling.


I've gotten old enough to earn a bruise the size of a silver dollar on my palm just from sleeping.


If there's a diner, I'm eating club sandwiches.


I'm still the master at staring contests.




GOALS


1) Produce and perform my one man hobo musical - KING OF THE HOBOS. Sent a submission to FringeNYC, and waiting for word on that. If not, then I'll find a venue to workshop it, and go from there.


2)Continue to give more to my family, my friends, to this city, to my professional colleagues.


3)Exercise twice a week for thirty minutes.


4)Keep taking more career-minded classes, training, etc.


Thanks to the following people:
mi mama   
Jelina Seibert and Dave Seibert  
Jeric Jones and Stephanie Girard 
Bekki Doster 
Mark Kinch
Megan Jeannette Smith
Emily Travis
Glory Kadigan and the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity
All those who helped produce GHOST ON A STICK
Jenna Doolittle
The cast and crew of PIGGY NATION: THE MUSICAL
Tess Suchoff
Bobby Lux  
Kristen Penner
Lorelei Mackenzie  
Abigail Taylor-Sansom
Rockford Sansom
Vicki Oceguera  
Tod Engle 
Karen Lotko
Allison Kueberth