Waiting - first draft of new original song and thoughts on depression

Hey.

I was in the doctor's office the other day.  Nothing wrong, just finally making a check-up and finding my own physician in New York City.   And I'm talking with the doctor, just summing up what I've been through medically in the past.  She stops me halfway through, asks me when's the last time I saw a psychiatrist.

And her tone is obvious.  You really need to see a shrink.  Do it.

I've never had a positive experience with therapy or pills.  It feels like one drawn out magic show where I know all the tricks and it's not entertaining and I don't want to watch it.  I know I've inherited a lot of biochemical triggers and habits which lead to depression (another reason why I will never have children)  But  I haven't found a pill yet or a mode of therapy which engages me or helps in the long run.  Instead, I live off these little highs and lows from creating things or writing or doing plays or making music and when I'm running ragged or lonely or have a lot of free time on my hands, I hide by sleeping.  I'm not a cutter.  I don't binge eat or drink or have a relationship with anyone at the moment.  I sleep.

And sure, a lot of that habit is rooted in fear.  With every second, I feel insignificant and ugly and convinced that I'm not going to be loved again.  I fear that I won't be able to make a creative impact and that I'll never have much of an artistic career.

And then I make a song or do a play and that muck clears for a brief window. And that's why I do it.


Here's the song.  It's called Waiting.  It gets a little loud at the end; just a warning.

LYRICS

First Verse
I spend the hours in my bed
Close my eyes, the shutters drawn and tight
This humble bargain that I've pled
I lie, pretend it's all I've wanted, right

The silence, see it crumble and wither
Gone awry, senses are reeling, pain to deliver

Chorus

I keep waiting
I keep waiting
for the building
to burn down

I keep waiting
I keep waiting
for the building
to burn down

Second Verse
What came first, being bitten or being shy
Haven't seen the sun for days and days
You can't hurt me if I don't even try
Spend my time in a still malaise

Forgotten what it's like to be needed
Damn the lot, entropy crying out to be feeded

CHORUS

Bridge
Now, will I find serenity
Among the ash and misery
 - the char and chill  -
come what will
as sure as every story ends in death
can't turn the pages, hold my breath
 the day will come
 Damn you, start living -
 don't keep waiting
I keep waiting
just keep waiting
I keep waiting - why am I still waiting?

CHORUS