Two years in NYC

Hey.

The day after I buried my father, I headed back to New York City.

Didn't travel so much as just sobbed cross-country.  I was working off a bad head cold, too. Airline personnel were hugging me. The rubber band stretched tight inside my chest the four months from my father's death until that final moment where they lowered his ashes into the earth finally snapped. Landed in the city, took a taxi to my apartment. Stored my things, went to my computer, printed something that wouldn't shake away, and taped this to my wall:

It's all I think about now.

I may never be commercially prosperous or critically acclaimed or have a healthy, loving relationship.  But I can't let depression piss away what few moments I may have left.  I have got to keep working. Got to give more to myself.

Same as before, I'll break it down into three parts: what I've done this year, what I've learned, and what needs to change.

WHAT I'VE DONE

Performed in 8 productions this year - Even more than the year prior.  The first nine months were a blur.  I didn't even buy groceries for seven months at a time, I was so busy. 

Kept the 30 pounds off I lost last year - my weight's been fluctuating, and I haven't been nearly as good at doing exercise as I should, but still, I'm at 270 at my highest times.

Wrote 10 new original songs this year - it's been crazy.  Writing songs based on dares, writing wedding songs, music made in an effort to keep myself focused during the fallow winter period.

Booked a long term, Off-Broadway show - Saturdays, I perform a two-person version of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, and it's been a lifesaver for me.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED

Giving up and refusing to fight will kill you.

Dating is not my path - after a break of a year or so, I aggressively dated in 2012.  Over a dozen women later, I've come to see that I'm the problem.  It's not my role on this earth.  Hard part now is accepting that.

Any creative, positive boon I've achieved this year is through the efforts of kind, wonderful people who took a chance on me and referred me to others.

I'll eat Thai food anywhere, anytime.

There is art and there is commerce, and I can't hold on to the silly notion that focusing on one will lead to the other.  This started in college, when several of my friends got really tv and movie focused and I (like now, not so wild about my looks) pored myself into theatre and thought that it would be the path to lead me to more lucrative work. It doesn't.  It's wonderful all its own, but will not yield a career.

Don't do theatre for free anymore.  You're 34. You've been doing it for free for a decade and a half.  Doesn't matter if it's a dollar, being paid is a form of respect for any job.

GOALS

1)Weigh 230 pounds one year from now.  I have a gym.  I have the time.

2)Better Self Care - this means so much that I've been slacking on in life.  New clothes, weekly groceries. Home cooked meals. New furniture. Massages. Books. Music. Seeing theatre by myself.

3)More career-minded work - on camera commercial acting classes.  A professional website for acting. Voice-over classes and a demo.

4)Produce and perform GHOST ON A STICK, my one man show - if the festivals I've submitted it to don't pan out, then I'll work with some producers to see what affordable venues I can get on my own.

Thanks to the following people:

the memory of my father
my mom
Jelina Seibert and Dave Seibert
Jeric Jones and Stephanie Girard
Bekki Doster
Mark Kinch
Jennifer Moraca
Tess Suchoff
Bobby Lux
Joe Hogan
Winnie Lok
Shannon Fillion
Ryan McCurdy
Alan Corcoran
April Newhouse
Paula and Emmett
Rob and Maureen
Michael Irish
Ginger Reiter
Julia Beardlsey O' Brien
Catherine Fowles
Tony White
Kristen Penner
Lorelei Mackenzie
Abigail Taylor
Rockford Sansom
Tod Engle
David Mendenhall